I have this theory about Nicolas Cage. I think the guy says yes to pretty much every movie offer that isn't porn, and every 13th movie or so is actually good. His hair may or may not be a deciding factor as well.

In "Drive Angry," that hair and the rest of Cage is in 3D. Of course, the dartboard that Cage uses to pick his scripts has been on a winning streak lately, with 2009's "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans" and 2010's "Kick-Ass." So it's inevitable that "Drive Angry" would be a steaming pile of crap. However, it is crap with plenty of ass-kicking, cool cars, boob-a-licious babes, and pretty cool 3D effects.

Cage plays Milton, a man with a mission. However, he's not a real man. He's not really a machine either, regardless of what Cage's robotic acting may indicate. Instead, he's a little something from the afterlife, out to find the cult that kidnapped his baby's baby. For unknown reasons, half-his-age hottie Piper (Amber Heard) tags along for the mayhem. It's actually really confusing why she would go along for the ride. Is it the stare? His super-cool hair? She actually tries to explain in a climactic speech, which makes absolutely no sense -- much like a lot of this movie.

Despite the crap-o-riffic plotline, "Drive Angry" does have some pretty awesome 3D effects. Filmmakers have repeatedly made efforts to let potential paying audiences know that this film was shot in 3D, and it shows. Right from the get-go, there are some pretty evil 3D images. Of course, that's followed by a tire iron, barrages of bullets, multiple knee blowouts, and at least one baseball bat through the eye. The film uses guts to display its 3D glory. There's also a whole lot of depth to this film's 3D image (of course not in the plot!). But frankly, who cares? This film is all about stylistic kills, and there are plenty of 'em.

Is the 3D enough to make "Drive Angry" worthy of your film dollars? We could ask audiences, but apparently there weren't any. "Drive Angry" had a miserable debut, placing ninth for its opening weekend.

"Drive Angry" could have been enjoyable. It has the insanely underrated (and underused) William Fichtner and David Morse and even throws in a taste of car classics like "Vanishing Point." However, "Drive Angry" isn't half as cool or cult-worthy as "Vanishing Point." It should have been a camp-fest like "Piranha 3D." Instead, all we get it Nicolas Cage breaking out of Hell and taking it way too seriously. If only he put half of that deep thought into his career.

At one point, Milton explains the pains of Hell saying, "It's not about the fire, it's the video feed." I have to wonder if Hell has "Drive Angry" on a continuous loop.